in the morning...

I'm 3 days into the 15-week semester and I already feel the breakdown coming. With a full time job and 16 hours of graduate classes, I'm in for it. I'll be honest, I was kinda sorta hoping that the break would be the time to deal with heartache and come back joyful, refreshed, and ready to take on the spring.

I was thinking today while driving, which is where I do most of my processing (yes - sometimes audibly), and I imagined someone going up to me to ask me how I was doing, to which I would respond with a soft smile: "I'm doing great - life is hard but God is good and I'm really experiencing his presence" and continuing to calmly engage with this hypothetical person. The fact is though, this just is not the case. Rather than a smile I'd probably give an eye roll and a sarcastic smirk, I would fumble over my words because I'm to anxious recently to do anything but babble, and then I would admit that I know that God is good and I know that God is there, but it's been a few days since I've experienced his presence.

I asked in a previous post what it meant for a Christian to walk through the "valleys" of life. I've found myself on my knees begging for that exact answer and I read through the Psalms:

"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled (6:2). I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief (6:6-7). I am poured out like water, And all My bones are out of joint; My heart is like wax; It has melted within Me. My strength is dried up like a potsherd, And My tongue clings to My jaws; You have brought Me to the dust of death (22:14-15). But You, O Lord, do not be far from Me; O My Strength, hasten to help Me! (22:19). Redeem me and be merciful to me (26:11b). Do not hid your face from me (27:9)."

and then I read...

"For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning (30:5)."

I can't help but wonder, when is the "morning?" How long O Lord?

Anybody that knows me remotely well is familiar with my constant struggle with anxiety. Usually a good night sleep will do the trick, but this week I have found my mornings to be characterized by a racing heart and racing thoughts. Lord give me rest. So much for joy this morning, but maybe tomorrow. This, too, shall pass.

Patience is a funny thing. Waiting. Time - the one thing we can't even kinda sorta control. Lack of control is what compels us to trust, and in God's sovereignty is where we place that trust. Hind-sight is 20-20 and it is usually from this vantage point that we affirm God's sovereignty, but what about hope? The hope that God is being sovereign NOW and we will be better able to see it in hind-sight perhaps? In Romans 8:24-25 we read that "hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Patience. Trust. Hope.

Feebly taking Paul's life-giving words to the church in Corinth to heart as I pray to grasp the perspective that he offers.

"Therefore we do not lost heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:15-17.

"Lift My Life Up"

The first thing I think of when I read this title is my homeschooling mom telling me not to end a sentence in a preposition. C'mon Unspoken.

I was listening to this song this morning, and for the first time actually heard the words.

I'm giving You control

I lift my life up

I give it all in surrender

I lift my heart up

You can have it forever

All my dreams, all my plans

Lord I leave it in Your hands

Have Your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for You

This break from school has been a constant battle with dying to myself. Not that I didn't struggle with it before, but now I have enough free time to reflect.

{I would think of myself as a reflective person, but most of the time I simply have an epiphany about the disfunction in my life, high-five myself for having this epiphany, then move on: I never do work on the actual disfunction. Why would I when I can simply push the accountability out of my life, busy myself, go to bed early, and sleep late. School will start, then I won't have any time to think about it at all. This is my sad little unconsious plan to never have to really look in the mirror of my heart.}

With that said, this plan in no longer unconsious (obviously, I'm writing about it). It's staring me in the face: the uncomfortable pruning knife from the Father that I know is the only way to experience His peace, if I could only take that first step. Is this growing experience a direct manifestation of God's Grace? Is the Holy Spirit allowing me to be anxious and uncomfortable as a way to draw me back to Himself? (Hint: yes).

These lyrics are my prayer, sometimes prefaced with the prayer "God change my heart to make this my prayer."

Join me in this prayer?

My life is the definition of manic-deppressant

I'll admit it, I have a bit of a depressing personality: no I do not depress people with my personality (at least I hope not), but rather I am prone to depression. I take preventative measures in order to not spiral down into it, but sometimes circumstances in life make it all the more difficult and all I want to do is sleep late and go to bed early. I know I need fellowship, but I don't want to put on a happy face, nor do I want to explain what's going on, so I push everybody out of my life. Thus the spiral begins...

The last two days, however, I woke up without pushing the snooze button even once (gasp). I jumped in the shower and hopped in my new wheels read to attack the day. I sent this text to my family, who responded with flabergastion.

 

 

I remember going through a hard time in high school, and my young life leader encouraged me that the Christian life is not about always being on the "spiritual high," but rather God gives us those times as a refresher and a means to get through those "spiritual valley" times. I know this is true, and trust me it's not that I want to be manic all the time because I annoyed even myself yesterday when I couldn't seem to sit still. Makes me wonder, how would God want to see me handling those "valley" times? How are we suppossed to move foward through these times as Christians?

 

 

(New wheels)

 

Total Truth

     I met Nancy Pearcey at a conference last year. I went up only wanting to introduce myself, only to end up speaking for 15 minutes and her guessing my Myers Briggs. We sat by each other during the next lecture which was given by the head of my department. He later asked me if I knew who I was sitting by, I simply remarked that she's my new best friend and it's no big deal. I also called my mom and bragged because she read this book way before me. For worldview training this book is foundational. 

Truth Decay

     It's always great to study a book in a class that it taught by the author of the book. This book gives a comprehensive look at truth and examines postmodernism in light of its destruction of truth. So many good quotes in this one, it is also a must read for the believer in order to engage our postmodern culture. 

Christian Apologetics

    No, you cannot look inside this book. This is simply the proof I copy my images from Amazon. This little anthology gem is filled with some of my favorites: Augustine, Pascal, Lewis, and Plantinga (Saint Theresa and Kreeft are good, too, I just had not read them before). 

     I must say, my favorite part of this book is William Lane Craig's Kalam Cosmological Argument. Lots more to get through...

Knowing God

     Confession time: I grabbed this book from the Church library and may or may not have given it back. What can I say, it is the 1976 edition and I'm a sucker for yellowed paperback editions. I also must confess, I have not read the whole book. Rather, I have referenced chapters here and there, mostly for my Theology class I took this past semester. The second part of Part 2 (including The Love of God, The Grace of God, God the Judge, The Wrath of God, Goodness and Severity, and The Jealous God) proved to be powerful. This has been the best articulation yet on the love and justice of God. This is especially relevant in our contemporary misunderstanding of the word love. 

In Defense of Natural Theology

     In my Advanced Apologetics class we talked about Hume and Natural Theolog. Authors Keith Yandell, James F. Sennett, Douglas Groothuis, and J.P. Moreland and others pen in regards to the relationship between Hume and natural theology and various philosophical arguments including: ontological, cosmological, moral, and consciousness. 

     Let's be honest, without a philosophical background some of this was over my head and I had to rely on class discussion and office hours to explain what was being said. However, in the end it was valuable to learn how many objections of natural theology that we deal with today have already been brought to light and defeated. Yay history!

Encountering Religious Pluralism

     Used as a text for a Religious Pluralism class, this book have proved to be my favorite from the last semester. Netland reflects on pluralism in the descriptive sense, spends time on John Hick, and continues in penning his thoughts on pluralism in the normative sense. He writes on the nature of truth and the evaluation of other Worldviews. Netland is articulate and thoughtful, and spurred helpful discussion.